


a burst of light in the darkness

by nosedive



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 30 Day OTP Challenge, Fluff and Angst, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:20:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24960706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nosedive/pseuds/nosedive
Summary: a series of moments that defined the relationship remus and sirius now have.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 6





	1. holding hands

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this is just something i plan on doing in 30 days to have something to do for quarantine! i just got this surge of energy to write (possibly bc of mars in aries LOL) so hopefully i finish the full 30 days!

Sirius lived for physical touch. 

He relishes in the hugs his friends give him, the platonic cheek kisses, the way Regulus would find his wrist and hold it tight when they hear their mother screaming downstairs. For Sirius, nothing can be as intimate the little touches you exchange with the people you love. 

Which is why Sirius felt like dying.

Sirius and Remus have been dating for a month now, and Sirius still finds it so hard to hold him or touch him or kiss him. He’d been afraid to do so ever since the incident that happened in 3rd year. It was the week of the full moon, so Remus was a little more restless than usual, and a lot more irritable too. The tiniest things set him off; Peter accidentally coughed when his mouth was full of biscuits and crumbs spluttered out of his mouth making Sirius and James laugh, but all Remus let out was a harsh criticism. He berated Peter for five minutes about how much of a slob he was and how Remus despised his habits to the point where Peter almost didn’t join them in waiting for Remus when the full moon finally came. It had been horrible, nobody has ever seen Remus so angry. But what really scared Sirius was what happened the same night in the common room. 

The Marauders knew Remus wasn’t particularly comfortable with touch. He barely touched any of them during their first year, and the only time he allowed them to hug him was in second year, when they found out about his lycanthropy. They respected that, and they have never tried to do anything Remus would find uncomfortable because Remus meant so much to the Marauders, to Sirius, and his amenity is something he cherished more than others. So when James tripped and accidentally spilled his pumpkin juice all over Remus’ chest while they were relaxing by the fire, the first thing that came to Sirius’ mind was to wipe it away. He summoned a towel and immediately started wiping Remus’ shirt for him without much forethought. He just knew that pumpkin juice is one of the last things Remus would want on his chest, without realizing that his hands were on that list too. 

It was only when Remus roughly shoved him back that he realize his mistake. 

Remus was shaking, his eyes wide and twitching, his mouth opening and closing to form words with no sound. He was looking at Sirius with an expression he’d never used on him before, clutching his shirt that was still stained with the pumpkin juice. 

“I told you-I could’ve-I didn’t need-” Remus rambled, staring at his three friends and around the now silent common room. “Why did you-how DARE you-my che-of all the places-”

No words came out of Sirius’ mouth as he stared at his best friend's breakdown. He stood on the same spot holding the damn towel as Remus continued to ramble. James was trying his best to calm him down, Peter too, but all Sirius did was stand there, horror struck by what he had done. He didn’t know why Remus’ chest was so sensitive, but that didn’t matter, all that mattered was he broke Remus’ trust.

“Remus I’m so so-” 

“NO!” Remus shrieked at him, throwing his hard bound book straight to Sirius’ chest. “I don’t want to hear it! I don’t want you- I want you to-” 

“Remus please I didn’t mean to! i forgo-”

“STAY AWAY FROM ME!” Remus shouted when Sirius tried to get close. The other two stopped talking too, all of them looking at their friend as he put a hand up to stop them from moving any closer. “Just- just _please_ stay away from me.” His voice was broken, the words that left his lips carried such despair that the trio didn’t dare move until they heard their dorm room close behind him. 

The four of them never mentioned the incident again, but it always lingered at the back of their minds--especially in Sirius’s. 

It haunts him now, as he tries his best to respect Remus’ boundaries but also dying everyday when he doesn’t get to hug and kiss and simply _hold_ his boyfriend. Everyday without any of those things makes him weaker and weaker. But he would rather die than make Remus feel pressured to do something he wasn’t comfortable in. Sirius would and _shall_ endure this because just calling Remus _his boyfriend_ was enough. 

But fuck, why did he have to be the way he is? Why did he have to smell like chocolate and tea? Why didn't he have to wear the thickest sweaters that made him look so soft? Why did he have to have the habit of licking his lips every few seconds? Why is his laugh comparable to hearing angels sing? Why did he have to look at Sirius with so much love and happiness?

Remus was being very unfair for being so addicting yet so out of reach. 

That same irresistible Remus was beside him now, reading some thick muggle book Sirius never bothered to learn. They were on the shore of the Black Lake, the sun at its highest. They decided to have a picnic for the weekend, just the two of them. This picnic, like all their other picnics, consisted of Sirius staring lovingly at the werewolf as he read whatever book he happened to be reading. Sirius was sitting cross-legged perpendicular to Remus, who stretched out his long legs in the picnic blanket they sat on. Remus was levitating his book so both his hands were supporting his body. The sun made him glow, his messy sandy hair looking golden in the sun, his eyes like emerald and his lips like shimmering diamonds. It was too hot to wear sweaters, so Remus had reluctantly worn a muscle t-shirt from Sirius. He had never been self conscious about his arms anyway, since they had very little scars for the werewolf preferred another region to mutilate. Sirius had never seen him look so sexy. His biceps were toned and his forearms bore protruding veins that Sirius could stare at for hours. From where he was sitting, Sirius could see the simple inverted triangle tattoo Remus got during the summer break, right at his shoulder. He remembered when Remus first showed him that tattoo and how hard it was for him to just jump his friend and kiss him, because _fuck, it’s Remus with a tattoo._ How could Remus think so low of himself when Sirius almost lost consciousness when he showed his stupid inverted triangle tattoo? Sirius would spend the rest of his sorry life making sure that Remus felt the same way Sirius felt when he looked at him. He’d make sure that--

“Babe!” Remus clapped his hand in front of Sirius’ face breaking his train of thought. “Are you okay?”

“Huh?” was all that came out of Sirius’ lips. Remus laughed at him fondly.

“You’ve been staring at me for an hour. I thought the real you had left and was replaced by a mannequin,” Remus said as he stood up and started stretching. Sirius could see his abs from the side and suddenly felt warmer. “Let’s go for a walk, my body’s so stiff from sitting.”

Remus was already walking away when Sirius stood up, so he had to jog a bit to keep up. They walked along the shore in silence, enjoying the company of each other, surrounding themselves with the overflowing love they had for each other. Sirius felt happy and content, this may not be what he imagined being with Remus would be, but not having to _imagine_ being with Remus was better than all the dreams he had of the lycanthrope. It didn’t matter what he wanted, as long as he had Remus he would be fine. 

Sirius felt something intertwine with his hand.

It was soft and smooth and warm, and it was definitely bigger than Sirius’ hand. It felt strangely right intertwined with his hand, like it was meant to be there all this time, it made Sirius feel as if this was the only thing he should be holding for the rest of eternity. Sirius looked down and saw Remus’ hand intertwined with his and felt his heart burst. He stopped walking and stared at Remus incredulously. Remus had walked on a bit before stopping to look at his boyfriend, feigning confusion. 

“What?” Remus asked, cocking his head to the side with a slight smile. Sirius felt like he was about to cry and he did not want to cry over this. 

“I- you- I can’t- My- Hold my-” Sirius spluttered, wildly gesturing at their intertwined hands. Remus laughed and walked closer to him and held his other hand too. Sirius let out a whimper. 

“It’s not gonna be easy being with me,” Remus said looking down at his still shocked partner. Sirius’ head barely reached his lips, and this was something Sirius found fault in before he realized just how many forehead kisses he’s going to get. “I’m too emotionally unstable, I’m a flight risk, I’m a werewolf, I’m uncomfortable with intimacy...but I do know that I can work on all of those things if it means I can be with you, except maybe the werewolf thing.” They both laughed at that. “So just please be patient with me, I wanna give you everything you want, but I also want to give myself a chance to breathe.”

“Of course, Rem,” Sirius whispered, meeting his eyes. “I will spend the rest of my life with you anyway, so I will always have the time to wait. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I would rather die than fuck this up.”

Remus gave him a peck on his forehead, and Sirius knew his statement bore no lies.


	2. cuddling somewhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> remus doubts the sincerity of his friends and his lover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! i barely finished this just in time for day two lmaoo but i hope you enjoy! TW // mentions of blood and injuries and self inflicted injuries!

Everything ached. 

Remus laid on the dirty floor of the Shrieking Shack--naked, filthy, and bleeding--unable to move from the strenuous night he just experienced. He could feel blood oozing from the new scars on his chest and the bites on his thighs. He was trying his best not to move so that he doesn’t add to the pain he’s already experiencing. His head was pounding, his throat dry, his hatred for himself growing bigger by the minute. He hated what he was, he hated that he had no control over his lycanthropy. He hated that he would probably never get a respectable job when he graduates, even though he’s top of his batch. He hated knowing that he’ll get left behind as his friends go off to follow their dreams, stuck in the limbo of self destruction that eats him up every time he’s alone. Will the Marauders still stand by him after school is over? Will they still accompany him as he transforms into a hideous and evil monster every month? Or will they finally see just how useless and Remus is and see him as the liability he knows he is? 

Maybe he should make it easier for them to say goodbye. 

Remus took a deep breath and forced himself to sit up, trying to ignore his body’s cry for help. He looked around and saw that behind him, his friends, still in their animagi forms, huddled together and fast asleep. Padfoot was curled up next to Prongs’ massive form, with Wormtail on top of him. Remus felt his heart swell with love as he observed his friends as they slept. He remembered the long nights he spent in the library with Peter as they studied for the exams, Remus helping Peter pass his test without cheating or a breakdown. He remembered the times where James would give him four to five helpings of food before and after the full moon to ensure that Remus regains the little strength he once had and so that his body is well fed enough to fix itself. 

And then there was Sirius. 

Sirius who told him every chance he could get that he loved Remus. Sirius who started carrying copious amounts of chocolate everyday to slide into Remus’ table randomly throughout the day. Sirius was the one to tell him that they knew about his lycanthrophy and that no, that did not mean they stopped being friends. He was the one who suggested they become Animagi for him, he was the one who stood at the Gryffindor table and shouted his eternal love for Remus (which caused him to get detention.) 

Remus had no clue how he could’ve survived his years at Hogwarts had it not been for these people, most especially Sirius, who’s brightness gave Remus the hope he had lacked all these years. But people leave. People disappear, and Remus was not going to stand around and watch as his friends leave him one by one. So, painfully he stood up and wore the spare clothes he had brought and walked out of the place he hated the most. 

It was not at all easy. 

Every step felt like hell, his feet felt like they were stepping on nails and his legs felt like they’ve been punched over and over again. Not to mention his bleeding, bitten thighs. It hurt to breathe and he cursed himself for not waking his friends to ask for help, but another part of him knew that this was simply practice for when he was alone again, and so he carried on, slowly and painfully walking to the hospital wing. He was lucky that it was so early in the morning that there was no one else awake so he didn’t have to explain why he looked like he’d been stepped on by a giant. He also knew that he was in no condition to make up a good lie, and would’ve probably outed himself if someone asked. 

He made it to the Hospital Wing before his body fully gave out. Madam Pomfrey was already up, knowing it was a full moon yesterday, and quickly helped him lay down one of the beds. She immediately got to work with his scars, especially the long and deep ones in his chest and Remus laid there feeling empty, too tired to even grunt when Madam Pomfrey made him sit up to drink various potions. Injuries caused by werewolves don’t really heal the same way, and it takes more than bandaging it to make it go away, so Remus had to drink several potions and had to endure several stinging ointments to calm those injuries down, and even then the scars never really went away, they marked his skin to remind him of just how violent and monstrous and vile he really is. He spent the first three years at Hogwarts trying to make sure his friends and everyone else around him didn’t see the scars he gave himself, because how could he have explained why he had these scars without telling them he was different? That he was a half-breed that deserved no sympathy or love? When his friends finally found out about his lycanthropy and saw the scars he tried so hard to hide, they accepted him with open arms, but why? No one was just good, no one was just kind, and caring, and understanding without some kind of ulterior motive. 

Remus rubbed his temples in despair. He hated overthinking every relationship he’s ever had, but his mind would never let him just accept that maybe they really did just love him. Deep down he knows they’re there for him, but his something always makes him doubt their friendship.

“Madam Pomfrey,” Remus asked as she continued taking care of him. “Can I drink that potion for dreamless sleep?”

“Of course dear, let me just finish up with treating these wounds and I’ll let you have your rest, okay?” She replied as she whipped her wand over his chest, closing the lighter wounds. Remus nodded and patiently waited for her to finish. When she did, she gave him a goblet with the potion he asked for, and when he laid his head down his pillow again he fell asleep immediately. 

When he woke Remus was greeted by the goofy smiles of his two friends and boyfriend. Sirius was holding his hand, Peter had a basket of Remus’ favorite foods and James brought three books Remus hasn’t read from the library. 

“Good morning!” Sirius said as he bent down to kiss him on the forehead. “Why didn’t you wake us up this morning? We could’ve helped you come here you know.”

Remus merely smiled and shrugged. How was he supposed to explain that he did it because he wanted to separate himself from them to make it easier for him to accept getting abandoned by them in the future? 

“We got you all these things from the kitchens and the library so you can recover!” Peter said, setting the basket next to Remus. “and it’s James’ turn to write you notes for you so you don’t have to worry about classes tomorrow.”

“Yeah mate, since Lily and I are friends now she’s introduced me to colored pens so your notes will look like the motherfucking rainbow,” James said sitting at the edge of his bed, still holding the books from the library. Sirius gave a laugh, his eyes locked in Remus’ face. 

Remus managed a small smile and a thank you. While the rest of them made themselves comfortable next to Remus, Remus felt his heart tighten in his chest, his mind having an inner battle against itself.  _ They really are your friends you know _ , a small voice whispered in his subconscious.  _ No, no they’re not. _ A stronger, sadder part of him replied.  _ They’re only pitying you, they’re only here to make themselves look nicer in front of everyone. James is here to impress Lily, Pater is here to leech off your intelligence, and Sirius...Sirius is only dating you so he can look better in the relationship. Admit it Remus, these people don’t actually like you, just let them be and leave them alone. _

“H-hey guys,” Remus croaked suddenly, “I really wanna rest a bit more and...I don’t think I would be able to with you guys here…”

“Are you okay, babe?” Sirius asked, suddenly sitting up concerned. 

“Yeah I just really feel weak still,” Remus replied, placing a hand on top of his boyfriend’s to let him know things were fine, or rather to convince him things were fine. 

“...Sure, we’ll go but take care of yourself okay?” James said, pulling a reluctant Sirius away from Remus. “If I see that you got skinnier after this I will not hesitate to scold you.”

“Okay, Jamie, thank you,” Remus said with a slight laugh. A chorus of goodbyes were shared as the boys made their way out of the hospital wing. Once they’d left, Remus called for Madam Pomfrey to ask her a favor.

“Are you sure?” she asked, unsure about his decision.

“Yes, I am.” Remus articulated, his head hitting the pillow for another dreamless sleep. 

~

It had been a week since the full moon and Sirius felt miserable. Remus hasn’t hung out with them since he got out of the Hospital Wing, and when they tried to visit him when he was recovering Madam Pomfrey explicitly told them he wanted no visitors. He was starting to worry for Remus and their relationship because he never felt Remus slip away this much before. He didn’t sit with them during dinners and lunches, he was always in the library and he would never engage in conversation when they were all in the dormitory. It felt like the first year all over again. Every time they tried to get close with him, Remus would find some stupid and ludicrous reason to stay away. It was angering James, and if Sirius was being honest it was pissing him off too, and he knew that he had to talk to him soon or it would grow into a bigger problem for the four of them. 

The three of them planned to do it at night. They all pretended to clock out early and went up to their dormitory as Remus stayed a bit longer in the Common Room doing his homework. They were all in their respective beds, waiting for Remus to go up, their curtains shut. They were silent, all of them nervous for what they were about to do--well, what Sirius was about to do, since he would be the one to do all the talking. The truth is that they all had a soft spot for the lycanthrope, and seeing him be so distant hurt them more than they would care to admit. James missed taking care of him, Peter missed learning from him, and Sirius missed kissing him. Remus was the glue that held them all together, the silent but ever important presence that made everything feel right. He was always the last say in pranks, most of the time he was the brains of the operation, and losing their brain made the Marauders useless. 

Sirius stiffened when he heard the door open and close. He heard Remus’ footsteps walk towards his own bed, which was right in front of the window, next to Sirius’ bed. He heard the opening of the curtains and decided that now was the time to act. He roughly opened his own curtains and stood face to face with his lover, who dropped his book in shock. 

“I thought you were asleep,” Remus gasped, picking up the fallen book. Sirius snorted. He heard the other two getting out of their beds to support him.

“I thought you were my boyfriend,” he retorted, crossing his arms. He was much shorter than Remus, even with the werewolf’s bad posture, so always made himself seem bigger with his personality. It always seemed to work for Sirius. 

“You are,” he whispered, looking at his three friends in a sort of despair. “I’m gonna sleep now.”

“No, you’re not,” Sirius said, holding Remus’ wrist to keep him in place. “Why are you ignoring us? Are you trying to cut us off? Cut  _ me _ off?”

Remus stammered incoherently, trying to free himself from Sirius’ grasp and failing. 

“Are you?” Sirius asked again when Remus couldn’t answer. His voice was softer now, his eyes non-judgemental. Remus stopped fidgeting.

“I- I know you’re going to leave me once we graduate,” Remus whispered. “You guys will go on and be Aurors and Healers and Ministers or Professors and I’m gonna be a fucking werewolf. I’m gonna continue being a broke, jobless, useless, dangerous werewolf. I don’t want to be left behind, and so I thought cutting you guys off now would make it easier for me in the future.”

“What the fuck are you even talking about, Rem?” Sirius asked. He didn’t know what to feel, should he feel bad for Remus? Should he be offended that he thought so little of their friendship? “Why would we leave you? We became Animagi for you! And is me telling you I love you every single chance I get not an indicator that I’m never leaving you? How many times do I have to tell you that you being a werewolf means nothing to me?!”

“You don’t know how werewolves are treated outside Hogwarts, Sirius. People think I’m a monster--”

“We don’t! Isn’t that enough for you?!” Sirius exclaimed.

“You don’t now!” Remus roared. “But what about two years down the line when you see just how vile people think I am? Would you want my being a werewolf smear your name and make you a target too?! You have your whole life ahead of you while this is the best I’m ever gonna get! No job, no nothing. And you deserve better than that. You all do.”

“No, listen to me--” Remus tried once again to free himself. “--JUST LISTEN. You are my future. I cannot imagine my life without you, Remus. And when have I ever listened to what people think? Their opinion of you will not change mine, or any of our opinion of you. And Remus Who cares if you’re broke? I have enough money for two lifetimes, and I will gladly spend all of that for you. Just, please believe me, believe  _ us _ , when I say that we want you around.”

Everything was silent for a while after Sirius had finished speaking, then suddenly Remus gave a huge, shaky sigh and pulled Sirius into a hug. Sirius could feel Remus shake as he let out silent tears, and not long after he could feel more bodies pressed up against him and Remus. James and Peter gave their reassurances to their friend, saying how much they missed him and just how much he meant to him, all it did was make Remus cry even harder, but Sirius knew his tears were not of sadness. 

“Let’s go to bed yeah?” Sirius finally spoke up after what felt like a few minutes. One by one they broke apart, James and Peter going to their respective beds, Sirius getting ready to do the same when Remus stopped him.

“Sleep with me tonight,” he whispered and Sirius felt his heart swell. He simply nodded and let Remus lead him to his bed. Sirius laid down first, followed by Remus, who immediately went to rest his head on his chest, hugging his torso as Sirius’ arms wrapped around him delicately. They synced in breathing, and Sirius felt his happiness radiate around him as he held his lover in his arms.

“I love you, Sirius,” murmured a tired and worn Remus.

“I love you too, Rem.”


End file.
